April 2020

Dear Blessed One,

These words came through as a lit banner in my mind's eye during a deep meditation two weeks ago. The banner brought me immediately to the messy and traumatic environment my kids endured in their younger years.

A Course in Miracles states, "Sin is insanity. It is the means by which the mind is driven mad, and seeks to let illusions take the place of truth. And being mad, it sees illusions where the truth should be..." (What is Sin? 1:1-3).

So yes, the sins on innocence that I caused during drug and alcohol abuse was a reflection of my insanity. That's not to say, insanity warrants a 'get out of jail free' card. Yet, in the awakening journey, I discovered that self-abuse is not justice for errs of the past. Healing and self-love is a good place to start.

I can only imagine how confusing and painful it was for my kids to not have a fully functioning and present mother in their lives. My daughter getting up and taking care of her little brother because the hangover was too painful for my head to come off of the pillow had to be a huge burden on her. And I can't fathom how she felt when collecting 'goodbye notes' written in blackouts as I was sure I would probably die in my sleep. She was protecting her brother as best she could from a mom who had apparently gone off the rails.

Now, more than twenty-two years sober, I still don't get a free pass from the sins on innocence. I can see how the deception had to have been felt and probably even seen through by my kids.

They are now both in their thirties and neither of them have spoken to me in over two years. I don't know what happened and I don't know how to bridge the gap. Even as an awake being who serves and tends to the many wounded, confused and awakening people on the planet, I don't know how to resolve the chasm that has developed with the two people I hold dearest in my heart. Perhaps now as adults, and my daughter with two young boys, they see how vastly I faltered in my parental skills. I always wanted to be a better mother. Wanting and wishing to be a better mother does not a better mother make.

In my meditation, as I saw the unconsciousness of my ways, I was taken deeper into layers of sins on innocence as it has been passed down through the generations. My father was raised by a volatile alcoholic (as a young boy, he and his two siblings were placed in an orphanage for a while - who knows happened in there). The abuse I suffered as a young girl made me swear I'd do everything opposite of how I was raised if ever I were to have children. However, unknowingly (denial is so powerful!), I was already a well-steeped alcoholic before I had my first child.

As I was handed the torch by my parents, there was a lessening of abuse on my children (it's all relative though) -- well, because I had made a pact with myself -- I will not do as they had done!

Remarkably, my daughter has grown to be a wonderful and loving mother, wife and friend in her communities. Both of my kids have found their way through education and hard work to good jobs, which is amazing given our history.

I no longer carry the burden of shame or guilt; that conditioned-world response was so clearly seen through in the 2008 awakening (my first book, "Suffering ~ A Path of Awakening" for more on the journey to liberation). I do feel waves of great sadness as I miss my children and grandsons. While knowing life is ultimately in charge of all outcomes, my prayer is to find our way back to connection, love and peace.

Balance, peace and healing of the planet begins at home, with me. There is nothing out there that is not a deep calling from life. My response is to put my head at the feet of life and ask how I might best serve in the healing of humanity...to continue to extend love even when it hurts...to not let pain harden the heart.

No matter what is happening, every piece in the puzzle of life is in perfect order. Trying to figure it out can drive one mad. The answers will not come from the mind. They come from stillness. From the heart. Clarity arises from not knowing.

Drop into your being. Follow the breath. Drop into being again when the mind screams for attention. Breathe deeply into the belly of your being. It is the door to freedom. It's so simple to circumvent the mind, though not always easy. Focusing on something in the body is a good way to stop listening to the chattering mind, which perpetuates story and can cause fear and suffering.

During challenging times, tend to the creature comforts while the healing of imbalance occurs. Soak in a hot bath, drink plenty of clean water and eat healthy organic food, get out in nature, dance, sing, paint, and sit in stillness while the body/mind construct is being recalibrated.

We are divine and magical beings. We came here at this time in history to help birth a new world. We're almost through the birth canal. Keep breathing.

Remember the energy of curiosity. It is much lighter than fear, whys, or the victim stance. Ask, without needing to know -- answers will be given when they are least expected:
What else is possible?
How shall I respond to this?
How can I express deeper love?
Is judgment causing me to hold back love?
What is life showing me in this experience?
What parts in me are still in need of awareness?
What gift is life creating for me just around the corner of my awareness?

While experiencing the difficulty of being human, hold in your awareness the perfection of Life. Tend to the tender places in your heart and remember to love yourself through all growth opportunities.

Much Love and Blessings to You,
shellee rae

"I can sing very comfortably from my vantage point because a lot of the music was about a loss of innocence, there's innocence contained in you but there's also innocence in the process of being lost." ~ Bruce Springsteen