May 2020

Dear Blessed One,

We are in the birth canal. As beautiful as the outcome of a birth can be, deep in the process, birth can be experienced as painful and messy.

It can be excruciating to contract and fight against the waves of passage. I'm sure many of us have experienced that sort of pain at different times in our lives. Holding desperately onto something that is leaving or changing is an attempt to resist the process of growth, which ultimately is not possible.

January of 2004 through March of 2007, I was in a deep dark depression. I remember saying over and over that it felt like I was stuck in the birth canal. I sensed something big was coming; a shift, a death, a birth, I just didn't know what! I was reminded of what the doctor said to me in 1986 as I was pushing out my almost ten-pound son, "This is going to be a reeeeeeally big baby!" Yep, and that's what the depression felt like, as if something really big was on its way.

I didn't realize then that I was in a cauldron, cooking off all that stood in the way of my awakening. And then it happened; kundalini spontaneously awakened in April of 2008 and the embodied awakening in August the same year.

Suffering is a great gift (difficult as it is in the experience!). However, don't throw it away, throw yourself into it. Let it have you. The more you let it have you, the less it has of you. When the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing, we change...it's an alchemical fire!

Notice in every moment where you are. Are you listening to the complaints of the mind? Is your breath shallow? Are you distracting with unhealthy habits?

Breathe deeply and consciously. Plant your bare feet on the earth every day. Bring awareness to your heart, to your navel, to your feet on the earth or to the sun and wind on your skin. These are easy ways to stop listening to the babbling mind. You have to be willing to let go of the habit of thinking, though. The mind will continue to poke and pull at you attempting to convince you of how important it is to remain there.

The last time I saw a doctor in 2004 inquiring about the cause of the depression I was experiencing, he wanted to put me on antidepressants saying it would probably resolve the symptoms, though it was not his job to help find the cause of depression. I walked out and never looked back.

The only difference between a breakdown and a breakthrough is your perspective of what is happening or the opinion a doctor has about it. Sometimes the castle has to crumble before the new palace can be erected. I like my new palace. Home is all I ever longed for.

Everything comes and goes except for that which holds it all and needs nothing. Keep breathing and remember this too shall pass.

I wonder what life has in store for us just around the corner of our awareness.

Much Love and Blessings to You,
shellee rae

"...there is a oneness that underscores, underwrites and in my view is the crucible of all creation. So there is never an ending or separation, merely new notes are played in the great ongoing symphony of existence in which we all play our parts." ~ Russell Brand